Relationships are hard because we expect our romantic partner to be a whole tribe for us

Humans have lived in groups. 190,000 years of close-knit tribes of a dozen hunter-gatherers. You lived or died with your tribemates. You hunted, ate, slept, found shelter, avoided predators, did everything with them. This made Homo Sapiens an essentially social animal. We define ourselves within a group, and we wither when isolated.

Agricultural revolution meant small tribes gave way to increasingly large societies. Within these, the tribe was replaced by the family. Smaller or larger families provided a similar environment as previous tribes. Until recently family meant much more than your spouse. Parents, grandparents, cousins, uncles, there were a lot of family members living close-by, interacting and helping each other.

Industrial revolution started to change this. People moved away from family for work. The evolution of modern society has accelerated this shift from group to individual.

Right now, you are likely either alone or in a couple, rather than part of a bigger group. You have friends and family, but not as close as tribes were. You compensate the lack of a few deep relationships with many superficial ones.

This strains the closest relationship, your romantic partner. Your unconscious monkey expects your partner to fulfill the needs that were fulfilled before by the whole tribe. And he. she expects the same from you.

In the tribe someone showed empathy, someone gave advice, someone painful truth, someone was competition, someone we loved. Now you try to get all of it from one. Who also tries to get multiple things from you. It’s too much.

For a healthy relationship, take a step back, acknowledge your partner is just one person. Focus on the other part of living in a tribe: giving back to the tribe. Give back to your partner, and they will do the same. And you will both be happier.